Head propped on one arm, I was distilling the theme of my composition from a mass of thoughts. Gradually the voices of reasoning in my mind retreated and a blast of hysteric laughter boomed in the silence of self – study room.
Jangled as my nerve was, I jumped onto my feet, rushed to the door, pulled it open only to find nobody outside. I was quite annoyed and frustrated to miss the damned loony who I had been thinking of giving a good humiliation and curse.
It just happened, but never predictable. I raised my heavy brain with stiffness in the nape of my neck and blinked the bleary eyes to realize that it was merely a dream.
As a statistically – insignificant junior majored in English, in an anonymous school of foreign languages submerged by overwhelming Chinese language and culture, I had a war to fight for my very expectation. Whenever this acute situation loomed before me, I became nervous and restless. If my not – that – bright life was seasoned by any other mental disturbance, I would be strangled spiritually before my nerve was baptized with the fire and blood of hard life.
When, out of duty, I was asking the superintendent of our branch of USU about the annual allowance for last year, he claimed not a penny was received from the superior office and offered me an advice.
He said,” Since the membership fee is not enough to bridge the gap caused by an absence of allowance, I think of increasing it to one yuan per person each month. What do you think? Start from this month, will you?”
“But, as ten times much as before?”
“Still a small amount for each, though.”
“But…”
“We have no other choice. No money, no activities. It’s troublesome to raise money when there is a case.”
“But the allowance…”
“We don’t have it yet.”
But why? I walked out of his office, wondering.
It was regulated that the allowance for each member would be sent out yearly and I felt stressed to carry out the new policy since everybody knows about the allowance.
Trapped between the squawk and the authority, I steered a middle course and suggested a more acceptable amount for both sides, fifty fen. Even so, it took me great efforts to soothe the defiance of the members. I knew that I owed them and myself an explanation.
To lead an otherwise peaceful life with full concentration on study, I had to settle other tasks, like this one, which was annually – arranged under the sacred name of democracy in the so – called most open group – learners of the western cultures.
It was claimed to be the right of students to evaluate the teaching methods and effects of their teachers. However, everybody, including the teachers, saw it an embarrassment. The students tended to conceal their true views to avoid “special treatment.” The teachers also hid their worries for the revealed opinions from their students they did not have confidence in.
I was pushed to evaluate one of our teachers. After ten minutes of my eyes brushing over the blank table, my thoughts were drawn afar. I seemed to see the teacher’s stolid face down to me in front of the cold white walls. And I seemed to hear the teacher’s hypnotic voice floating in deadly still classroom. And I seemed… Anyhow, I put down my honest thought.
Another half an hour passed. At last I secretly slipped my paper into the pile. Immediately my mind was occupied by a deep anxiety about the consequences. Would my handwriting be recognized? Would the teacher see my evaluation? Would it be free of trouble? I kept questioning myself that happened to be the one beyond the capability of answering.
That night, I dreamed I was turned down by an old tough Chinese at the gate of the library each time I was stepping in. He refused me for I did not meet his requirements. Embittered as I was, I scuffled away, chilled by a hysteric blast of laughter behind… |
IP卡
狗仔卡
发表于 2008-5-10 12:02:49
提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
显身卡
发表于 2008-5-19 21:15:40
