With help from a friend

玲珑

   I remember the first day of my college life. How awkward I felt and how self-conscious! Would others laugh at my poor Putonghua? Would I do well in my major? What kind of people would I meet?
   I walked towards the freshmen-greeted counter with my heavy luggage. Holding my breath, I set my vision on a girl suddenly .She looked so cool. I turned to her for some information. She was so enthusiastic that she helped me with my luggage and accompanied me to my dormitory. She introduced herself and told me some thing about the college life in a perfect pronunciation with a big smile.
   What a difference she made during the past two years. She was confident while I was self-abased. She was responsible while I was casual. In order to help me to adapt myself to the new environment, she sign the same optional subjects with me. She invited me to take part in every kind of activities. I was so impressed with her. She worked with such diligent and self-assurance.
   At that time, she occupied a prominent position in the Students’ Union. She encouraged me to join the union and accepted me as a member of her department.
   From her, I learned how to deal with many kings of affairs in our school, how to contrive a competition to all students successfully and how to keep a good relationship with those who worked in the union, and so on. Every time I managed a piece of work, she would give me that loving smile. The past two years college life was a lot fun with her around.
   Now, she has been working in Nanjing. I do well in my position in the union and can manage a lot on my own now. She continually inspires me and laughs with me. Kimberly Kirberger said,” Each time something difficult and challenging has happened to me, it has marked the beginning of a new era in my life. It is difficult for me to imagine how my college life would become without her.
   Every morning, I wake up gratefully for how life has turned out. As I think about these, my heart is full of happiness and appreciation.

Cinderella

Putonghua_______Mandarin

the freshmen-greeted counter ______the reception table

I set my vision on a girl suddenly _______suddenly is not used appropriately here

What a difference she made during the past two years._____what a difference she made to me

Kimberly Kirberger said,” Each time something difficult and challenging has happened to me, it has marked the beginning of a new era in my life. ____pay attention to the quotation mark, it is not finished

It is difficult for me to imagine how my college life would become without her.________....would have become

The beginning "I remember the first day of my college life.____it would be better to add one more word: I still remember clearly the first day of my college life.

The last paragraph should be more concentrated on the main idea: she makes  a difference to me in my college life. Maybe you can change one word in the last sentence: Whenever I think of what she has done for me, my heart grows fonder.

Cinderella

The whole structure is clear, and language fluent. The examples chosen are persuasive. It's not a bad composition.

but you'd better change a title

[ 本帖最后由 Cinderella 于 2008-9-21 16:02 编辑 ]